Theme Week 13: Bar Fly
I watched her move across the bar hoping that she wouldn't see me. It was obvious from the wide eyes and the speedy nature of her gait that she was still using. "Oh God don't let her see me." She did. She came over to where I was sitting and started jabbering almost incoherently.
"Oh my God! I can't believe it's you. I mean I was talking to Larry just a few minutes ago and I said that I never see you or your sister anymore and asked if he knew what you were doing now and he never does because he stays on that tractor day and night and never goes anywhere and when he does he doesn't go to any of the places that you guys go which I don't even know where you guys go anymore and what you do because you never call me anymore and the only time I ever hear anything about you is from one of the kids and even then they don't tell me much because I think they worry that it will hurt my feelings so they don't really talk about you all that much and frankly I don't have any friends anymore except Steve and he can't really be considered a friend because he's only with me for one reason and I don't think I have to tell you what that reason is because you remember when we were hanging out we never talked about Steve except for about one thing so I guess that you must remember that thing now and I can't say it because everyone here knows him..."
"You're talking too fast." I said to her. She only paused for a second then resumed the pace of the conversation exactly where I had interrupted her.
"...so if I were to say anything about him and it got back to him then there would go the last friend that I have and no one should be without at least one friend and I don't have any friends anymore because you guys stopped talking to me and not even the kids talk about you anymore because they worry that it will hurt my feelings which I know I said already but I felt that..."
I sat and looked around hoping that she'd get the hint that I was no longer interested in what she might have to say. Fact was, she hardly knew I was there anyway. It was more a monologue than a conversation so I got up and walked away.
As I put my coat on and headed out the door I noticed that she was still sitting in the same spot. Her mouth was moving as quickly as when I stood up and the guy that she was talking to was looking around hoping that she would think he wasn't interested. I shook my head and stepped out into the quiet night.
"Oh my God! I can't believe it's you. I mean I was talking to Larry just a few minutes ago and I said that I never see you or your sister anymore and asked if he knew what you were doing now and he never does because he stays on that tractor day and night and never goes anywhere and when he does he doesn't go to any of the places that you guys go which I don't even know where you guys go anymore and what you do because you never call me anymore and the only time I ever hear anything about you is from one of the kids and even then they don't tell me much because I think they worry that it will hurt my feelings so they don't really talk about you all that much and frankly I don't have any friends anymore except Steve and he can't really be considered a friend because he's only with me for one reason and I don't think I have to tell you what that reason is because you remember when we were hanging out we never talked about Steve except for about one thing so I guess that you must remember that thing now and I can't say it because everyone here knows him..."
"You're talking too fast." I said to her. She only paused for a second then resumed the pace of the conversation exactly where I had interrupted her.
"...so if I were to say anything about him and it got back to him then there would go the last friend that I have and no one should be without at least one friend and I don't have any friends anymore because you guys stopped talking to me and not even the kids talk about you anymore because they worry that it will hurt my feelings which I know I said already but I felt that..."
I sat and looked around hoping that she'd get the hint that I was no longer interested in what she might have to say. Fact was, she hardly knew I was there anyway. It was more a monologue than a conversation so I got up and walked away.
As I put my coat on and headed out the door I noticed that she was still sitting in the same spot. Her mouth was moving as quickly as when I stood up and the guy that she was talking to was looking around hoping that she would think he wasn't interested. I shook my head and stepped out into the quiet night.
posted by millay | 12/04/2005 03:48:00 PM
3 Comments:
Hole in the middle: you absolutely have to do the almost incoherent conversation to make us believers. Without it, all we have to go on is your assertion, and why should we?
If you come up with the conversation, then look at what exposition or what words in the exposition can be tossed.
I meant to copy and paste the text into the older version but ...well it all came out as an edit. Better? I could give you more of the conversation but reliving it only makes my headache worse and i don't have to tell you what a headache is like and trying to write with one can really make it worse which only makes the writing worse even if you're writing it quickly so I best just end this before you have the same headache that I do which I wouldn't wish on ...well, even her.
Nice monologue! Now, you really have to make that diamond shine by cleaning up the setting. The expository grafs need cuts, the right cuts, places where you are repeating or belaboring the obvious or self-indulgent. If you decide to make those cuts, for godsake don't erase this version!
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