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A reflection on self in the pursuit of Academia.. email millay_@hotmail.com

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Theme Week 1 - Witness this Wednesday

I hope that this is what you meant. Shall I do a new post for each day? I can run on when I don't really mean to. Seems there's just more to say after I've said everything that I thought I needed and probably more than you wanted to hear. I think you were absolutely right in your assessment of my "baggy" writing - I am definitely sometimes in the mood to make the reader dance. That's especially true in my journal keeping. I wondered after if I should try and reshape the way that I keep this particular journal and have another locked away that I could write in and just be me. "Well", I thought to myself "wouldn't that be nice? While I'm at it, this wishing game, I wish for a maid, a pair of shoes that fit and a little quiet time in which to write in that other journal." I've been neglecting it for months. I go through those spells every few years. I can't decide if I'm too busy living it to be writing it or afraid of what I might see when I look back, which I frequently do. So, to sum up all of these bags :) I'm afraid that sometimes you'll just have to dance with me a bit if you're asking to look inside my journal.

Today the reality of this undertaking caught me by surprise. I turned the corner to go into my Ethics class (Robb taught that last year in case you never asked your old roomie) and there it was....seriousness and let me tell you, it was a boatload of it. Not the Ethics class per se...no, it was something else. I was early to class and had just printed out my syllabus for ENG101. I was so excited...another online course and it's WRITING!! Praise be! Well, turns out that this is one tough cookie. This isn't going to be an easy A. Not that I hoped it would be but I kinda hoped it would be. Immediate thought was DROP OUT! Run do not walk to your nearest admin person and drop the hell out of that course. Well, what kind of example would I be to my 14 year old son watching everything that I do? No kind that I could live with. So I'm going to trudge my way through it and hope that I don't offend her somehow. I just feel like I might. Writing is such a personal little demon to me. The grammar and usage and all that I DEFINITELY need. I'm hoping that I can contain the whirling dervishes of my mind and be a little more precise...a little less.....Baggy.

I can assure you that my other theme assignments will be a lot more polished. Maybe if I didn't keep a journal already I could be different in it but this feels like my turf. Well it is my turf...it's my journal. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm offended or being defensive though it may sound that way. I'm just backing up my own self to my own self. I need to be real here. and free to have that. Otherwise you will never get a feel for that me which is what I think you're after as much as allowing me the opportunity to have that glance into my own self. Clever. See how I figured you out?

That's it. Goodnight, Mr. Goldfine. That boatload of seriousness story will have to wait to be fully revealed and resolved for me. Let's see what the dream fairies have to say.

3 Comments:

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Wed Sep 07, 11:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

Sheesh, Amy, take a second to look at what I have to say about baggy--it has its place and time, and college writing is often the right place and time. Tightness can be oversold--pejoratively, it can be described as robo-writing or mechanical writing--I wouldn't but it could!

What I like and appreciate is your willingness to experiment, play, and dance--don't think, please, that I was offering a backdoor criticism. If I offer a criticism, trust me, it'll be wrapped in red ribbons and be as easy to ignore as a baby with a shitty diaper.

Sp, polish stuff when it's right to polish and don that baggy suit when it's right to do that. 'Kay?

Thu Sep 08, 08:43:00 AM EDT  
Blogger millay said...

Yes, I was afraid that it would sound as though I took it as a criticism. I really didn't. Journal writing is a lot for me about what I tell my own self. You just happen to be eavesdropping. Besides, I was worried about the eng101 course and trying to help me wrap my mind around more structure. The really cool thing about keeping a journal is that I can bring all of my moods here without exception and find some little kernel of something that I manage to work out. I'm actually now excited by the prospect of stretching my writing. The journal helps me get that out. Dream fairies like to sleep on words. I'm really very appreciative of what I know I'll get from this course. And by the fact that you not only like the dance but start the music.

Thu Sep 08, 08:53:00 AM EDT  

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