mirror mirror on the wall

A reflection on self in the pursuit of Academia.. email millay_@hotmail.com

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Theme Week 1

Tuesday Tremors

School starts today. No really!! Furthermore, I'm a STUDENT. What in the name of corn on the cob is up with that?? Me...a student. Finally. People ask what I'm going to school to be. When I answer that I'm going for my doctorate in Physics, well the faces are ....ummmm....doubtful, surprised ... noone nearly as surprised as I am. Tonight is Chemistry. I already looked it over and tried to catch up a bit from the appendix. I love the periodic table and the idea of chemistry and I am ever so passionate about what I'm doing. New frontiers...new journeys. A life full and dare i say it? complete. I know from my own personal experience that a journal is a very personal experience and can be boring for the unintended reader. who cares? This is my theme for the week and, having kept a journal for years anyway, i know that if i strive to write for you i will fail to write for myself. if grammar and punctuation are important, well likely there i'll fail before i fully begin. Today I am too excited and nervous to contemplate any massive contemplation. Perhaps after class I will have more to say and less to say on saying it. :)

Post Traumatic Chemistry Syndrome

Alright. Really I did okay. I even remembered things that I didn't know that I even knew. Funny the middle-aged brain. I like the instructor because she enjoys what she does. In anything, that's nearly half the battle.

My family can read these blogs. My kid can read them. Anyone caught in a web can read them. Somehow that heightens my desire to be a little riskier and say what's REALLY on my mind. You know, those first thoughts that get backspaced before they actually come to fruition on the tongue or on the page. Those are my words. Give me those over the tired rank and file response that I sometimes feel conditioned to sacrafice. Sometimes I hear myself say something and immediately following there's a curse under my breath. "Where is your bravery now, girl?" it asks of me. Who ever has an answer for a question of that magnitude? You can't answer with a "but i" and you can't say "well, i" without knowing that you're going to sound like a complete liar...even if only and especially to yourself.

So here I sit tonight, the rush of excitement settled already into this quaint little smile that tugs at the corners of my mouth, and I'm wondering what I think of it all. Of me taking this step into chemical, ethical, algebraeic creative non fictional english comp - step ones in a series of 2 and 2a and 2bs of steps on my way toward something there...up there in here bigger than what i can imagine that it might be. of you, sitting there reading all these blogs from all these people peering so stealthfully into what, under most circumstances I would password and pray and throw myself in front of to keep you (the collective you) from seeing. Funny, this. Funny, that.

3 Comments:

Blogger johngoldfine said...

Perhaps after class I will have more to say and less to say on saying it. :)

Ha--I like that. My own blog journal has been stalled for a week and more and when I think about writing, I imagine writing about why I don't feel like writing, why everything is blah, and so on--in other words, not much to say but I could easily do a post on 'saying it.'

Tue Sep 06, 03:33:00 PM EDT  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

Hey Amy--I'm too baked tonight for any substantive comment on what you've written since I read the first section (check my school blog for a taste of what got me cooked.) I will have remarks later, tomorrow.

Right now, I just have a housekeeping comment. If you post within a post or add to a post which someone has already commented on, it's hard for me to add later comments without extensive quoting and it's hard, whilst zooming by after reading 89 other blogs (and that's not hyperbole) to know if I've already commented. So, if you can open a new post for later thoughts, that would be a plus.

Wed Sep 07, 06:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

"My family can read these blogs. My kid can read them. Anyone caught in a web can read them. Somehow that heightens my desire to be a little riskier and say what's REALLY on my mind."

That's very tight writing. Tight writing is good!

"up there in here bigger than what i can imagine that it might be. of you, sitting there reading all these blogs from all these people peering so stealthfully into what, under most circumstances I would password and pray and throw myself in front of to keep you (the collective you) from seeing. Funny, this. Funny, that."

Work with me with what I'm about to say, okay?--this is baggy writing, the opposite of tight BUT that doesn't make it bad. There's all sorts of good writing, not just one sort, and this is good too! Baggy just means you wanted to play with the words and force your reader to dance with you a little, to follow you into your mind with its necessary stream-of- consciousness woolinesses and confusions, sort of what I'm doing here now just a little as I comment. Bagginess doesn't get the good press of tightness, but it has its uses and its places, and I like and appreciate your willingness to mix it up.

Wed Sep 07, 08:38:00 PM EDT  

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